If the person who carried the child to term (woman) wants to turn the kid over to adoptive parents to care for it, then the responsibilitys on them. But in some ways, youre making my point, Francine. He seems to be playing into a lot of her fantasies, plus providing a ready excuse why hell never have any money. We have been broken up for a few months but have remained friends and in contact. SweetsAndBeats Sorry for the crass language. To be fair, (and Im not at all discrediting what youre saying, because it very well could be true), but no where in the letter does she mention that he did or did not use a condom. Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? Like raising a child is easy. Our relationship was mostly good until we hit a rough patch towards the last year of our relationship. im not disagreeing with you. If the woman chooses to take on the responsibility of raising the child alone, she ought not have the right to force the indentured servitude (financial or otherwise) of the father against his stated wishes. Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. Like if the guy is unconscious or doesnt know how babies are made? That is not acceptable. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. I attempt to avoid name calling, but if you have a problem with one person ASKING another person to do or not do ANYTHING, you are a poor excuse for an adult! Yet you are mad at the other women and not him? Men cant choose to abort because biology dictates that the fetus is not in their body. What a door mat you are! I totally agree with you for reasons you likely already understand. And it wont be you for very long. Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. Read the comments. Shed be less of a real woman if she left the kid on its fathers doorstep and went off footloose and fancy-free while he was left to raise it all alone. I would also ask him to get an STD test because he had unprotected sex. Having placement, on the other hand, does, and what Im saying is that when it comes down to where are the kids going to stay, in situations where everything else is equal, the default position is still with the mother in most courts, with the fathers visitation dependent on how close to equal the two parents are. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. Stuff like this really grinds my gears. According to this, then, a woman should have the choice of forcing the child, once born, onto the father, and then only paying child support for a couple of decades. at risk of STDs. just as she has the responsibility not to lie. Does that make him an asshole? When you break up, you get the rare opportunity to see your ex's true nature at the worst of times. Absolutely BOIL. I do believe that many accidental pregnancies are not so accidental, but that is all the more reason for people who engage in casual sex, and are dead set against having kids, to do everything in their power to avoid having them! Thats certainly the type of person you want as your husband. Why would you disregard opinions that are based on the data thats actually there, and then defend yours which is based on a guess you made about people you dont know? And if so, Im ready. It;s an even bigger dickish move, dare I say cuntish move to fucking LIE about being on the pill to get knocked up Or maybe shes just a fucking idiot and cant figure out how to follow the directions on a prescription bottle. reader, bright.beautifulK90+, writes (24 November 2010): A Is that pretty much it? it happens. Id be more concerned with him having unprotected sex with someone HE just met. Woah. But I just watched this documentary on ecstasy users whose brains were literally rotting away (Ah!!! The point is, theres a baby on the way who needs a daddy. Its unfortunate that he may potentially be a life-long relationship as parents with this woman, in addition to the legal responsibilities for the child, but any 40 year old man knows that is a potential risk. I agree that condoms provide significantly better protection than not wearing anything. And seriously what is with people having sex with people they cant stand clearly you could stand them long enough to bang them. BUT. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Weeks. All that does is make 3 people miserable (both parents plus the child). LMAO. He can bang the neighbor, the lunch lady, and his friendly neighborhood bartenderwhoever. lets_be_honest bittergaymark But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). reader, iz07a+, writes (11 March 2010): A Women dont get off requiring men to do it. Adoption is a completely different matter. Thats precisely the incentive structure feminism (and the paternity laws that followed) have created. Im not saying its a trivial thing, but its nothing compared to birth. Just something to think about. I think your maturity should absolutely, completely be judged against how you react when life throws you unexpected thingslike an unplanned pregnancy. And sorry if this is harsh, but JESUS, I cant even be nice about this one. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. He had sex, she got pregnant, presumably its his, and hell provide support. lets_be_honest What kind of person he got into a new relationship with. If a woman gets pregnant from a quick, meaningless relationship and tells the father that shes expecting, and the father wants desperately to keep the baby, what do we call the woman who aborts the child anyways? The idea that he actually said I would prefer if you had an abortion is laughable. April 10, 2012, 7:10 pm. The woman can choose to abort the baby, even in the event the father desperately wants it, and is willing to raise and support it himself. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. If its not easy and its not what one wants, opt out of it. ! Also, it delights me that you base your assumptions on general human behavior on the Jerry Springer Show. List of Everybody Hates Chris characters - Wikipedia For all we know, he used a condom and thought she was on the pill. How does your law make this fair? Im usually just a lurker here on DW, but the strong debate over this letter compelled me to comment. Especially the children. If this is the case with this woman, then she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. Thats the difference. Now pay for the childs necessities in life. Her judgment is irrelevant, but it isnt immoral. The time prior to conception is the only time this can be anything close to fair. I had no idea. And you cant have conception without sperm. Now, I highly doubt the LWs boyfriends baby mother to be is psychotic as my friends former hook up. Both a man and a woman are needed to create a baby. April 9, 2012, 3:44 pm. The guy started dating someone else. But, they both had lawyers. Id argue the country is not any better off for it, either. Move forward with your life. Hes scum for directing his fury at anyone other than himself. Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. I wouldnt advocate using the pull-out method alone, but if some stranger says Its cool, Im on the Pill and you dont *quite* believe her and you dont have a condom, I guess it wouldnt hurt. And throwing money at her only covers one part of that. The outlet revealed that Tristan's third child, a baby boy, is due on December 3 . Also, when you call people honey constantly or tell them to go read a lawbook(?) But hes no knight in shining armor because he is willing to bare some legally minimal level of responsibility. Ill never in a million years get it. Documents were drawn up by said lawyers. Im sorry, but sex creates children. When all of our comments are just reiterations of the same sentiment it can get boring. She didnt roofie him, Chuck. The manner to which they have become accustomed is a reference to alimony, not child support. Being on the Pill is akin to saying that youre not interested in having children, so I think its not completely invalid for him to assume she wasnt ready to have children, and to be angry when he ends up being forced into fatherhood.. I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. And that, fair or not, men do not have the option to compel an abortion or opt out of their financial obligation for any resulting children. In fact, it may not even be anger you feel, but hurt or you feel threatened by this pregnancy. Thank God for the laws in place protecting children against men like you. Instead of re-commenting this in the 23 different places above where it applies, Ill say it here (again): Why is everyone assuming he didnt use a condom? Nope. Thats not the point here. He had a FWB relationship with a girl and always used condoms. I'm still contemplating because if my boyfriend finds out, I'm afraid he'll leave me. Even if she was on birth control. Steve Kellmeyer But then it really IS all about needless solidarity on here as of late to be sure. Please. LW, take a step back and think about what you would tell one of your girlfriends in a similar situation. Marriage to this woman would be the most stupid thing possible. (youve already split for two months, for reasons you didnt even mention). Please let your sons know that, whether you agree that its fair or not, that is the way it works because if they end up whining about paying to support a kid with their DNA it will accomplish nothing but to make them look ignorant. Is anyone else eagerly anticipating the update to this one? Generally it turns into a bunch of bleeps. Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. Have you noticed how people sometimes own up to having unprotected sex, but its always when they didnt get pregnant? Its wrong and its not fair, and thats what should be changed, not the fact that a man who voluntarily engaged in activities that everyone knows could result in pregnancy can *gasp* be sued for child support for a kid he doesnt really want. April 10, 2012, 11:41 am. Do you have a law to fix that? Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. Top 49 Girlfriend Jokes 1. I brought my girlfriend home and introduced She wants to live in a dorm with her friends and no way is she missing weeks of school to give birth. WTH is that?! lets_be_honest Your bf cant stop her from having the baby. I think the LW here should wash her hands of this whole mess and stay away from the drama. ColorsOfTheWind Its one thing that he says he will pay for it (Im assuming this means child support), but a true father doesnt just look at this as a once a month payment for 18 years. Youre right, what your life has become isnt fair- to anyone involved. I hope you make sure he gets tested for STIs before you sleep with him again. They arent bad people because of it. So, if you insist that men create children, or even assist in such a thing, you are some kind of slimy pro-lifer meddling in the affairs of independent women who need men like a fish needs a bicycle. And hes a bigger idiot if he doesnt think hes responsible for whats happening to him now. I agree people who are dysfunctional should not stay together for the sake of the kid it will just make things worse. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. Its always someone elses fault. Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. Not your body, not your choice. Im not a lawyer, or in any way familiar with the law about these things, so my assumption is based on what a friend told me first hand about his experience. April 10, 2012, 7:09 pm. It was a vague post on my part Made even more confusing by the fact that _jsw_ was posting at roughly the same time and then his posted first. Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. I love him so I'm willing to accept the baby. I get unsettled and frustrated whenever I see my ex girlfriend's photos on Facebook with her boyfriend and pictures of the ultrasound of their baby. If youre going to call anyone a slut, Chuck (which you shouldnt, its really very rude) why not the dude who slept with someone he cant stand and got her pregnant? You cant live without food. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. So, yes, I can see why hed be furious. Yes, he had unprotected sex. But I just don't know anymore. My Ex Had A Baby With Someone Else And Wants Me Back Maybe the man in me is coming out today, but in a time where all you hear about is the War on Women and how dare any man tell a woman what they can and cannot do with their bodies that anyone on here can say this man doesnt have a right to do whatever he pleases with his body. I never really got over him and he never got over me. Child support is nice, but a father it does not make. I always thought that had to be a mutual decision. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. Here are five hard truths every "other woman" should know: 1. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right?, And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters.. April 9, 2012, 12:23 pm. You have to be mature and know what is best for you. How quickly (or slowly) he got into a new relationship after your breakup. So he literally now has to reap what he sows as the consequences of his actions. She loved him back then but broke up with him over this but went back to him 20 years later thinking he grew up.2016. bittergaymark I totally understand. April 9, 2012, 9:20 am. While we both made it, I wanted it and he didnt. we were truley in love. 4) The boyfriend, especially given his age (and that this cant be blamed on youthful impulsiveness), doesnt look the best in this scenario. Go on about it all you want though. People who say that are codependent, melodramatic, or 15. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Nope, none of it matters. door to door service. Oh, may be you should marry him and fantasize what kind of fun he is having whenever hes late coming home, or fearful he would leave you when you, like that woman, passed 40; or be told to get rid of your baby who is inconvenient to him. Or, she may have seemed supportive during the relationship, but . Who then supports the child that the man made? i am currently in an awful situation. And I tend to agree that with certain situations, men end up with the raw end of the deal. lol. I think its dispicable that you would consider re-uniting with a man that thinks his only obligation as a father is financial support. April 9, 2012, 9:37 am. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. Especially if ever precaution was taken (birth control, condoms, etc.). Guess what LW? This is not unlike telling women that they cannot have an abortion in that it forces parenthood when it neednt be forced. But if YOU really are so fucked up and so pathetic that you want to build a life with a man who for intents are purposes wants to simply abandon his own child have at it. His? You seem to have completely missed the point that virtually anything we do involves risk, and that doing those things doesnt mean were prepared for any possible consequence at any time. iseeshiny I speak "strongly" sometimes beca. But it is a result of a legal system that prioritizes the needs of children over fairness to the parents. * However, if you bang and get knocked up by tiger woods (quite possible given his standards) you will be set for life and hence a lottery win is born. . You dont ask women to have abortions unless youre scum. Two are very small, less than six months. I was thinking this letter was going to be juicy!! Its a good word. How about equal right for, you know, everyone? Therefore, move on. If a pregnancy results after you do the very thing you know can cause pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself and whining about your lack of choices or the burden of what you must now do is unproductive and frankly, a little too late. Taking no personality responsibility whatsoever and then whining about the consequences? Why are you so obsessed with sex? But it happened. People surely arent calling him scum for not taking responsibility, because hes apparently going to provide support.