Hi Kate That is a great question. I dont recommend this to anyone, but as his abuses escalated over a long period of time and never decreased, in addition to other factors, I very carefully planned and executed the plan to leave and divorce him so I could survive. We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. - Listen to How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them by The Narcissists' Code instantly on your tablet, phone or . Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Thank you Kim. Hi Genelle and welcome (-: There are exercises to deal with this type of behaviour in the chapter on limiting abuse in The Love Safety Net Workbook. Dealing with a narcissist is dealing with a bully. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. Thx Kim. (Still do in my heart, although head says differently.). This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. For years I thought eventually hed come back into my life. I really dont know how much more I can take of this bad behavior. Now that I decided that I want him in my life . (3) my own personal property with in my home: doors repeatedly ripped from hinges, furniture thrown, broken, smashed my guitar in to pieces, throwing cups of coffee on walls, twice he has smashed & broken walls (but he claims he barely touched those walls, he didnt hit itI was there I saw him angry and punch the walls. Feeling ripped off - if they didn't get a sizeable inheritance. Maybe if i had not had all the losses and children and could have spent my life concentrating on working on him there could have been hope but i think it is unlikely. they must be CAPABLE of honouring, respecting, cherishing, loving, being loyal, protective and mature etc.. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. I have followed your advice and he seems to now trust me and I guess he therefore feels able to be more honest with me. But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Who will love him if I do not? 3. I try not to belittle. After a vew weeks he hit the wall just next to my head. The saddest part is to deal with our son who copies his father, takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and impossible to reason with most of the time. Knowing that the trap exists, that one is a victim of a narcissist, is indeed the first step towards overcoming their effects on one's life. I knew something was wrong, but I was so accustomed to allowing people to disregard and abuse me that I did give it the attention it deserved. lets talk about his controlling ability. Everything is for him. How much pain! He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. You can also be ready to say to him that he should also know if he breaks into your house again or damages anything you own you will be reporting that immediately. When others place responsibility on the narcissist, the narcissist sees this as an attempt to impose his or her will. His sister is the same way and I feel for my brother in law. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. 2. After numerous requests for cooperation (5 years), (met with abject denials) I eventually went to my boss and asked that I deal with her through emails. It used to be about 70%, and in the remaining 30% he would seem normal and nice. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. ugh. These as with all of Kim and Steves materials and information are interchangeable for whatever the situation you are in, including with your daughter. However he keeps asking for more and then tries to blame me for having credit and being able to handle my finances as if it is my fault he cant handle his. When your second daughters birthday came, keeping in mind again she is 9, a week later, I asked you if you bought her something. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. If you try to hold the narcissist to account for something they've done, they will totally stonewall you as punishment for having the audacity to point out such a flaw. 4) During deployment you asked me if I would be OK with your parents moving in with us because they were going to loose their house. He expects respect. Love on yourself. I am always at fault. If they are not, it shatters their false sense of self-worth. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. I just got served with a baseless lawsuit by him and now have to find a pro bono attorney as I have no money but with his slick attorney ways, he will someone win even though CPS has said he cant see the kids unsupervised but the courts are allowing him to file suit for custody?? Hi, Obviously, it does nothing and never has. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. The promise was that if at some point either of us move on and leave, we need to let the other person know becomes it significant impacts my daughter who loves this man like her own father, and is the only father she has ever really known. Most people get closer together in bad times but I just know if we had a Tragic situation it would be an argument. I pray for him and work with him now As much as I can and as lovingly as I can. Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. Marie, sorry to hear. You may also look for help from organisations that help the families of problem gamblers in your area. And we are a wealthy family! The only thing you can do, as I have see everyone noting, is that you just manipulate your surroundings to your sanity and survival. There is a part of me that wonders if I am narcissistic too, or that maybe I am misdiagnosing. Take good care. help me please Kim. Im going out for a sandwich and coffee. . Right now we are working on trust, and honesty to build that trust. They sound like clear boundaries you can put in place while helping yourself(sorry if I have missed or misunderstood something in your previous comments). Hang in there Amy and you be careful to follow the steps in Back from the Looking Glass about leaving because it really can escalate the abuse. I am so glad to know about it! It broke my heart. (Understanding Narcissism.) Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. I have been working on our attachment and his security to me before I say anything. That doesnt mean you need to give in to their bad behaviour; instead of trying to hold them accountable (which wont work anyway), consider making them face the consequences of their mistakes. Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine was. Another common way for a narcissist's lack of accountability in relationships is to withhold from you as a form of punishment. I love him, I love my daughter and need to protect her, and I know there is a good man in therebut as long as he sits on both sides of the fence, we will continue to long for the real family that he is not sure he wants to be. I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. We had so many issues it was simply not funny. You need to find a way to track his double life (without obsessing about it) and practice a repertoire of comeback lines for when he tries to bait you like this. Now that part I dont understand. God is reasonable and fair, and doesnt expect anyone to live a life of torment within a union that lacks peace and love, and causes harm. After more and more learning and healing, the less I want to give intimacy of any kind to narcissists in the future, because it will never be an equal relationship Kims comment about pulling on the thread [of ones own] superiority really struck a chord- one of the main reasons for staying (besides much love) was, in retrospect, to feel like his hero- which meant feeling a little morally superior to him! I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. So frustrated in my 24 years of marriage! Right this second I am so angry more angry probobly than ever in my life at him over what appears to be infidelity and porn and him always blaming others for what he does wrong.. How much can a person swallow and stroke anothers ego before it is just too much! I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! It took me quite some time catching up on reading all of the comments. I have a friend who is a school teacher is going through something similiar with the principal. Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. The reason i fall for these men? I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. I hope and pray a good guy will come along for her Narcissists are excellent crazy makers!! I am divorced from them, but one has since passed away. Linda, thanks for your insight. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. You ask the same questions that I want answered. Of course that is not going to work and is not really a boundary at all. He will blame me instead of himself. I can give up on accountability for most of her behavior, but the alcoholism HAS to stop. Only you know. Have you approached him with these things as you have them stated here in the past? When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . Why are you afraid to respect yourself and not allow someone to cross your boundaries even once! He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. I have been reading your information for over two years. I had an affair a year ago, I told him, and it is over. Everything is my fault. 8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. In this Narcissistic form of social justice, holding personal accountability as an activist, is viewed as an automatic, one-down position, where the oppressor has "won". Thankfully, I can now see the forest for the trees and can see his manipluation and deceit for what they are. That it had nothing to do with me. (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! Ive so learned that people like her are the good ones, the ones you wnat to know. I asked, if you could come to where I was living so I could still do some packing and getting the move ready. 5 Stay calm when they try to upset you. It appears they are in total denial of their behaviour. Or there may be situations where there is nothing to say you simply need to stop protecting them. Over the christmas break, whilst my daughter was with her dad, I spent 3 fabulous days with his daughter and him only to find on the last day being rushed out of the house so that he could watch a rugby match with his best mate with no idea when Ill see him again. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. This is hell. Non sexual but emotional. You should also make it clear in this report that you fear this may be a symptom of the medication he has been prescribed. Thanks Darlyn, [], Your email address will not be published. This is soo much information but I cannot wait to make some changes. As we dont live together, but see us on a daily basis (working together), there is no chance to verify, what he is actually doing. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. He goes to the himalayas next month on sabbatical for two months and I am praying to God he realizes how much he has hurt me and how much I truly love him and decides to change on his own. But I cant call the police, or the doctor, or even the priest, and say my husband said hed call me but he didnt and he got mad at me when I expected him to be sorry about that or My husband laughed at my idea like it was ridiculous. I offered for you to drive the new one but you said no its ok, I drive the old one. Im still trying to get my life on track again and deal with a very messy property settlement with him. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand a feeling . Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? ), unless some woman forces him to that isbut think I need to for myself. Im human. He wanted to stay but I was too difficult to live with. The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions. 3. As for the promise, I finally had to stand my ground. Ive analyzed this thing a zillion times, gone to therapy, gone to grief groups and have come to the conclusion that Im just going to accept that I call him. Take care If I had to write about everything that I had to endure at the hands of the woman I love so much it would take a long time. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. 13) I found a house, got a loan and bought it and had to use my life insurance savings to pay for the down payment. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. I found out after many years that my father had these traits, and I dated several men over the years very much like him. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? Right or wrong, I had to write this, of you each decide for themselves. yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. This is all past tense and yet in my head it feels like yesterday. Get strong. My experience is that this requires a lot of work on yourself to find emotional balance and peace of mind that they cannot reach, whilst you respond to their behaviour gently but firmly. But I had disintegrated to such a point I had no fight or self belief left and ended up HAVING to leave suffocating and drowning in his dispair and the financial situation that we had as he would not work and earn. He is 40 years old and although we are living separately, my choice, he wishes for us to move to Australia together. These resources wont gaurentee he returns but they will help you understand what went wrong and heal yourself. As my solicitor said at the time they were far more afraid of her than me. The narcissist's inability to act conscientiously in a relationship illuminates his or her lack of empathy. I just didnt take his bait and didnt talk about the negative thing he was trying to focus on about me. thanks!! Thanks for All you do & continue to do for all of us that struggle with this challenge. here to come and talk to you when you get angry. he of course was perfect and still is. Ahhh! When he recently visited while I was putting bubs to sleep (after a month of serious sleep deprivation which Id been trying to pull some consideration or support from him with)he goes to sleep as soon as he arrives as hes had such a hard day.every day is hard in his world, he does to his credit go over the top. He started his job about 6 months ago, since then, he has changed the way things were previously done by pointing out to those in charge how things were un-safehe told me his co workers call him health and safety for a nick namehe doesnt realise how I soooo get the name they have given him and I am afraid he has said too much at work. It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. Told me after he left that he wasnt giving up his friends, any of them. and yet, he BLAMES ME and texted me just the other day about how hurt and angry he is. Kim, thank you for taking a leadership role and sharing with us what worked for you! A narcissist knows how to turn on the charm when they need to. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. But still, I felt like a better person, a kinder partner and a loving mate when I put in the effort to reach past his disorder. His needs, concerns, and issues are everything. So I have learned that it is best to let true Narcissist alone, especially those that have untreated and unrecognized borderline along with the condition. Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. Also ask the CPS for assistance and any numbers can give you. If they find someone else who thrives on this, they'll fall in love quickly. Did not EVER think he would leave me. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. I did however make the decision to stay firm and say no to him. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. Sonia. It will teach you step by step how to stop him turning this around on you. You are impressed and begin focusing your attention on them. Insane. He is so good with her, and loves him just as much as he loves herand I hate to give up on him because I believe there is a really good man in there, I am just trying to reach him. . Did I catch it from him? I am really struggling with desiring an adult relationship and the reality of needing to have good child therapy techniques to deal with the relationship I do have. No more thinking they can manipulate you and do whatever else they want without having to answer for it. Rather than playing teacher, judge and jury or mother superior instead try some grit with a dash of humility while setting boundaries . Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. Ana. You simply say I did nothing you deal with it, its your problem. Kim, I totally agree with this article and after dealing with this type of behavior for 34 years of marriage I know this method works great. 4. He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. A director on the chamber of commerce. Even though our finances (checking accounts and credit cards) as seperate we do live together and as it has been, I end up paying for most of the groceries, entertainment and the maintenance of our home (which I bought in my name only cuz his credit is messed up. So that is something that should raise a warning flag in their mind, if for no other reason than to cover their own butt. I say he suffers though of course he wont ever admit it. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. The worse thing is seeing how he uses older women who are lonely and they need the attention they have no idea why he is in there life but its for something he wants done and they can help him accomplish his wants. I looked on the ph billhe talked with her for 6 min on that horrible day he was having, he never said excuse me Ill have to get back to you, Im busy, nope he chitty chatted and dumped on me. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour. They get furious when you seek answers to just about anything. I will be back in a few minutes to read this blog. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. It is good you can see you need some help too (-: Our 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great place to start! I know that if I just pull a little bit back, give him his own feeling of space he will be fine.. Hi. He was right. I thought things would change they dont. I am thinking he was pretending to be someone else, married me, kept it up awhile and then it got too much to keep it up. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. I will be fine. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. We have to understand, explain, and educate ourselves on what is actually happening, not just the repeated symptoms. How do I step into a partnership knowing that I realistically do not have a partner? I told him that since he wouldnt go for help, he had to leave. They have forgiven you time and time again. My spouse left and never said why just left and of course it is all my fault. Questions upon questions, leading to more unanswered questions. My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? these epidsodes are down right ridiculous. I texted him saying I wanted to thank him for the wonderful time I had but being rushed out of the house was not acceptable. I know he is or will spread this lie about me because when I first met him, he said the same thing about his exWifehe lied about her and is gonna use the same lies on me?? Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. Hi Renee and welcome! He always states he should have been a lawyer because he knows how to argue/defendHe says this even in re to issues at work, he uses that statement whenever hes feeling like things arent going his way. Pride kills humility. He said he hates himself and directs that hate to me, but that it is his own selfhate. She was passed up the line again and again. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. Learning to spot non productive conversations and end them before they begin is vital. His behaviour towards me and the children became so bad he was forced to move out by court order. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. So conclusion I dont think its wise to ask them would they feel more comfortable getting help from somebody else to help with the situation as they see this as a threat and if they are truly narcissistic they dont think they need help with anything. I used to get sucked into the chaos and then anything I said or did was magnified. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 and then again in 2007. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). You then asked me to lend you another $400.00 so you could buy Christmas presents. I havent said anything yet.. If they knew how much really love them, they wouldnt be so damn narcissistic I thinkbut when your heart cant feel, it does not know when they are being lovedeverything to them is rejection. Hi Kim, thanks for the response. Through this Blog it has become to Clear. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. I would not stay next time he is cheating. More importantly, they have no affective empathythe ability to feel what another person is feelingmuch less have compassion for others. I love him and I am concerned for him. Trying to hide the truth, trying to avoid real intimacy? Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. That way I dont react if he adversely reacts. How different from what I normally get from my husband. Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. I tried and tried to reach her through her anger but the more I tried the more she saw me as someone that was to be looked down upon and treated me even worse.