When I was fretting over whether to pursue a fantastic opportunity that would require a good amount of travel, he told me, Youve worked too hard to get where you are to not take ANY opportunity you want to take. And he means it. are there other situations that cause your husband this level of anxiety? This is a case where you cannot cater to his anxiety or insecurity. Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. I go on business trips. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. Sadly, that would be a culture that supports controlling behavior. He says its specific to Vegas, but its possible that hed be anxious no matter where OP went. But not wholesome. People watching! I also worry about my spouse traveling without me. Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. Fine with me. Later I saw an art exhibit. Its natural to want to care for your partner. Significant others who mess with your career or education are bad news. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. this makes me IRATE. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. I wouldnt want him to go with work but only because I wouldnt want him to go without me, its our place! What about yourself? Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. Someone this uptight probably doesnt have friends. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. Im sure your husband isnt a huge jerk or anything, but this is not healthy and he should not be pressuring you to do something that would risk your job. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. And the shopping! And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. Nothing to do with trust, we just wouldnt want Vegas tarnished by work! Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? I agree with the counseling suggestion. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. Thats fine! What other people? . Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) Im betting its either a case of asking leading questions, an over-reporting of the amount of agreement received, or hearing more agreement than was actually being expressed on the part of OPs husband. 1. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. My mom cancelled their first date and was always busy when he tried to reschedule until she finally gave in. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. But not the end of the world. Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. You know you can go to Vegas and have fun and not be kidnapped or drugged. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! Yes, marriage counselling. We did a family vacation to Vegas about six years ago (were about a 4-5 hour drive away). In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. I should also note. It was, instead, his own insecurity and abusive tendencies. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. This advice is enabling his negative behaviors. I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). That can do a number to your head if you already had basic anxiety about the travel. I LOVE it when my wife travels. and I was gutted. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. or even where to eat dinner. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. My colleagues and I used to parse the bulletins the U.S. Embassy put out about reported crimes against Americans, and so often you could read between the lines of someone trying to cover for a mistake. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. I wish you the best. We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. Ive met plenty of kids who were never allowed to even play Go Fish because playing non-gambling card games could lead to gambling. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. Lots to see and do. Create an account or log in to participate. His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? This. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? And hiking! Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. You say youre the breadwinner. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. It was a blast! Pressuring/guilting him into not going? I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Not everything is family friendly (I.E. Your husband seems to think he has a say in whether he lets you go. I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. At tax time we make about the same but for my emergency calls its hard to keep up. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. Is she free to travel then? husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. Itll be a cold day in Hell before my husband allows/gives me permission to do anything. Right!? He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. The Sigma Derby game in the MGM Grand is a lot of fun. Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. It is ideally set up to host conferences. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. But its a good idea to add in. When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. Like fposte said the husband would only mention his friends opinions if it supported his own. Also it can help having an objective outsider there. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. Yeah, like MakeThings Im picturing a lot of Mmmmm. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. My grandmother pays for the trip. Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. When the plans were being made hubby was not over excited but was ok with it. He can see how boring Vegas really is. Im sorry, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if you dont think theres anything unwholesome about prostitution (direct quote) I think you may be a cultural outlier. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. Best of luck to you, LW. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? It is NOT his choice whether you go! If a person hasnt had much of a chance (or desire) to go to different places, your impression of them is far different than the reality. It is a huge trust issue. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. Period. How To Travel Alone Without Ruining Your Marriage! I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. going together would send the message that its an us issue. Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. Sure within reason. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. Yes, this. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. I dont think that would help the situation, however. I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. One day was outside. Just Saying. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. Same. Im also a Chicagoan with an irrational former fiance. It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. You also really have to go because youre the primary breadwinner in the family. He mad at my company and questions the motives. I hope they can find a solution. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Of course control issues are a possibility. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. Hope you will enjoy the holiday! There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. We walk through various casinos and gawk. Thats it. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . Yet he says he would not even go without me. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. I won money on a work trip to Vegas - do I have to donate it to my employer? Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? Do the counseling (alone or with him.) Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. The letter writer specifically ASKED about anxiety. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. We felt safe walking around at 2AM. Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? So maybe the husband should only attempt to veto conferences in the Midwest? I have to comment on this one. Or leave? Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Contributors control their own work and . In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit.